I must admit that I’m not a very patient person.  If I want something then I usually want it yesterday and the thought of having to hold out and wait for it to happen in it’s natural time can drive me doolally.

Like waiting for a phone call.  You know you want him to call and you’ve been half expecting it all day.  Next thing it’s getting dark you’re on your way home from work and still no call or even text for that matter.  Now it’s getting worrying… Has something happened to him?  Did we leave things on a bad note the last time we saw each other?  Is he expecting me to call him – again?  I can drive myself crazy with that line of thought.  It’s just that there is no perfect answer to any of those questions as any of the answers could be right or I could be so far off the mark it’s not funny.

So what to do then?  Do I phone or text first?  Does doing this give him the upper hand in this underlying power struggle?  Or do I just phone him because I want to hear his voice and just assume for the hell of it that he’s had a really busy day at work and hasn’t had a moment to get near a phone?  Hmmmm…  decisions decisions.

Ofcourse it occurs to me that I should have a lot more important things to be concerning myself with and on reflection there are at least a dozen things that I could be doing to occupy my time more productively.   Still, none of these activities is as torturously intriguing as this.  When he does eventually phone I’ll obviously pretend to be completed surprised and act non-chalant to hear from him despite wanting to scream blue bloody murder down the line.  Then it will all be OK because he’ll have some brilliant reason why he’s not called and I’ll be kicking myself for ever having doubted him.

He’s better at this game than I am.  Bastard.

Agent Delicious x

'Saturn by Goya'

Astrologically this year is meant to be a biggie for me.  Apparently when you are in your 29th year the planet Saturn returns to the same place in your birth chart as when you were born – referred to as Saturn’s Return (http://www.saturnreturn.net/what_is.html).

This 29 year cycle can be taken to represent one’s formative years so when it concludes it ushers in the next cycle which builds on these foundations.  Now whether you are a believer in astrological influence or not I can really sense the changes in me.  On the one hand I’ve found myself less eager to go out and party all the time.  I’m also more focused on personal develpment and existential issues.  Maybe it’s just the maturing process but I feel like now is an important time in my life for decisions which will chart the next 29 years and I’m taking it seriously.

First up on the list is to get my body super fit and healthy – my historical approach to this has always been a bit slap dash and frankly leaves a lot to be desired.  I want to actualise the full potential of my body – I know I have a good body structure and it has the potential to be amazing.

I also want to get my career nailed.  This one is a bit more tricky because I seem to have my finger in alot of pies at this stage and need to focus more on what I REALLY should be doing.  I sense that this will involve a lot of hard decisions but at this stage I need to commit to a career path that will bring me and the people around me joy.

And last but certainly not least I need to develop my intellect more – I’m a clever boy and enjoy culture and knowledge.  My twenties seem like a social whirlwind which has tornadoed through my intellectual development and growth.  I want to usher in a new phase of learning – but in a more structured manner.

My goal is to be a producer and not a consumer.  I want to produce my own ideas and not gag on whatever the media shoves down my throat.  I want to produce clothes and not consume other people’s fashion vision.

I need to write and dance and Love.

Agent Delicious x

'Good morning world!'

A depressing stream of consciousness for the day I’m afraid!

What is going wrong in society?  Everywhere I look people are unhappy.  People are grinning and bearing each other with  a grudging malevolence that is seeping like a black oil into the fabric of our times.

From the moment I step onto the tube in the morning it’s there; that smell of annoyance, hopelessness and fear.  People are wrapped up in their protective cocoons already; noses pressed into the morning paper, mouths unsmiling – lips pressed tightly, MP3 players blaring, blocking out the sound… of silence.  People avoid eye contact and conversation which are primitive human behaviours, the very same behaviours which actually help foster a sense of community, integration and belonging.  It’s like we’ve all decided that it’s too much trouble to make an effort in the real world so we’ll escape to our fantasies – whether that’s music, novels or just daydreaming about anything else other than being there in that moment.  Granted, taking the same route to work everyday and dealing with overcrowded tube conditions don’t exactly make you want to hug strangers but that aura of disconnectedness and latent hostility is disconcerting to be dealing with daily.

Then at work it’s pretty much the same – people moaning about how bad things are and how depressing their lives are.  Click to a news website and you’re mauled with dire feedback from around the globe.  So much negativity and a sense of impending doom.  Media does not help of course; taunting us with unattainable airbrushed vanities then berating us for not living up to it’s distorted utopia all the while encouraging us to buy our way out of the hole it’s dug for us.

Okay so maybe today I’m feeling particularly blue – it’s definitely the first day of Autumn – I finally felt the early morning chill and wore a scarf to work today.  This means that basically I have about 6 months of miserable British cold, cloudy and rainy weather to look forward to until Summer rolls around again.  A colleague of mine suggested taking up exercise as a tension release mechanism and I’m inclined to agree.  It’s been a while since I exercised regularly and I know I always feel better for that.   Although trying to find a gym which has all the facilities I’m looking for is another story altogether!

I’m going to go an make myself a cup of chammomile tea and have a warm salt bath now and stop moaning myself… acceptance being the first step to recovery and all that malarkey.

Agent Delicious x

There is an illustious hall of fame of people with prominent (read: BIG) foreheads… Christina Ricci, Tyra Banks, Rihanna, the elephant man and perhaps most famously of all, Ant from Ant & Dec.   Yes, all these A listers are known for their large cranium’s but has it held them back in their chosen fields?

I too have a larger than normal size forehead.  Oh trust you me I’ve dealt with the abuse.  I think it’s worst when you’re a teenager and that shiny dome is all pimply and your head is naturally too big for your body anyway.  It’s not a hot look.  It’s not as if you see my forehead coming round the corner before I do but if you catch me in the wrong lighting then it has been known to cast shadows.  Tip number one for people with big foreheads is never to stand directly underneath any lighting source – especially for group pictures.  The most flattering lighting is always full frontal with some light diffuser (preferrably).

When I was younger I told my father about my insecurities about my ‘special blessing’.  He looked quite shocked by my ignorance and stated matter-of-factly that a large forehead is actually a sign of nobility in most civilised societies ( he’s also sporting quite a big ‘un).  It’s almost as if we are the literal opposite extreme of our sloping forehead monkey relatives.  Also, it’s more space from brain matter so theoretically we are more intelligent too.  Ever notice how dolphins have prominent foreheads?  They’re super intelligent, verging on sentient! 

So in a nutshell I guess it is visually different and perspectives differ on the aethstetic value.  I used to be ashamed of my forehead but now I kind of see it as being special – a unique selling point as the marketing folk like to call it.  I’m sure there is an appreciation society out there somewhere…

Agent Delicious x

'Some people die hard'

Smoking is truly banal. I mean really… please can I actually pay £6.00 to tar my lungs, smell, cause cancerous growths, have yellow teeth, feral breath, display anti-social tendencies and cause premature pruning of the skin? Yeah that sounds like a great deal! Hmmmm… alas my 15 year affair with the Smoke is at an end… it’s drawing it’s last wheezing gasp and it is to be put to a timely death.

If I look back at my 15 year old self wanting to be cool and smoke like my friend George I want to slap me across the head and scream ‘DON’T DO IT! DO PILATES!’ I’d yell. ‘ TAKE UP YOGA!!’ – that’s cool, NOT smoking. If I had spent 15 years doing yoga instead of smoking I’d be cracking walnuts with my ass cheeks by now and not contemplating teeth bleaching. Oh and let’s not forget the thousands of pounds I’ve spent on this dubious habit which could have been spent on other things like shoes. I mean where were my priorities at? I could be kitted out by now let me tell you.

Anyhoos it’s like totally not glamorous to smoke anymore. In fact it’s really quite passe. The last thing anyone wants to be doing is what 40% of the developing world is doing… So yeah, it’s quitting time – just after I have my last one.

I’m doing so well already.

Agent Delicious x